Assassination failures
by snake screamer
Summary: Or Why Barry 'The Bionic Douchebag' Dylan no longer hire assassins till he makes sure there deadly enough.


"I'm sorry you did what!" Katya said surprise. She and Barry were currently eating dinner

"I said i hired some hitmen to kill Archer and those stupid coworker. Try to keep up." Barry stated

"Archer as in, the man whose agency no longer has a agency to work for Archer."

"As Other Barry would says, Duh." Barry said. He noticed that Katya sighed annoyed "Okay what wrong with you?"

"Simple, It's you and this vendetta. Barry, you are obsessed. I mean batshit insane obsess." Katya said

"What, that's ridiculous." Barry scoffed.

"Barry, it hasn't been two weeks since Mallory organization is closed and already you bought the name and sold it to a bunch of terrorist."

"Hehehe both me and other berry agree that was funny." Barry chuckled

"And before that you literally spend money to create a ice sculpture of Archer just so you could melt it then you started pissing in said puddle." Katya said

"Admittedly the piss part was abit childish..."

"And don't get me started on the space station incident." Katya said annoyed

"Ugh, like you bring it up every time." Barry sighed annoyed.

"But this, purposely hiring a couple of hitmen to finish them off when there no longer a threat, really? That just seemed a tad overdone." Katya said.

"You're one to talk!" Barry snapped. "I'm not the one who spent six million dollars just to ruin those idiots reputation!"

"That is completely different!" Katya snapped. "One, the agency was still in play and I didn't want them to get an in with the State Department. Two we really did have a reason to assassinate the Albanian Ambassador..."

"Really did not like that guy," Barry admitted. "Always whining KGB fault there former spymaster was a asshole. Or how i killed Jakov in a messed up manner. Or saying i should stop wearing tracksuit everywhere!" Barry growled.

"Yes and i admit i didn't enjoy how he insinuated i was spying both him and his wife." Katya admitted

"Yeah we were spying on HIM, why would we spy on his wife."

"Oh no we were monitoring the wife also to see if we can get some dirt on either for blackmail, i just didn't like the way he said. Now where was I..."

"I think you were on three."

"Ah right. Three, we only humiliated Archer and his friends, not killed them!" Katya went on. "And fourthly we got that money back when I killed that insufferable chef!"

"That was funny..." Barry snorted. "Good times..."

Katya rolled her eyes "The point is while i get you have a reason to hate them, Archer in particular. I feel you are purposely trying to turn yourself into Ernst Stavro Blofeld to Archer bond and i feel i should warn you while he was a cool bond villain at first, he definitely did not go with a roar of vengeance but a whimper of pain via being drop into a smokestack."

Berry growled as he slammed both hands the table hard enough to destroy it as he shouted "DON'T CRITICIZE HOW EITHER BERRY GET THERE FUN!" Berry shouted as he walked away.

"I really gotta break it up with him." Katya sighed.

* * *

 _1) Archer_

Archer sighed as he walked the street. "Great, heading 'home'. Ugh, it bad enough I have to share a workplace with most of them but now i have to live with them. And i know there all b*** cause there all jealous of me... hmm i think may have too many Belgian Brownie Cocktail cause i'm starting to sound abit like a whiny teenager." Archer admitted unaware that a red dot was on the back of his head.

The assassin grinned as, this was a easy job in his opinion, this Archer guy seemed to be a complete moron and shouldn't be too hard to take down. he pulled the trigger... and nothing

The Assassin blinked as he keep pulling the trigger before checking the cartridge. "Oh bloody hell. I forgot to check for bullets."

"Hmm, maybe i can go to one more bar before heading back there, better check my wallet." Archer said fishing it out and checking the content. Suddenly a pigeon swoops in and steals his wallet.

"What the- HEY!" Archer shouted as he reached for his gun only to remember he left it in his room. "Oh goddamn it, wait! i think i still have my switch blade!"

Back to the assassin he was able to grab a cartridge and was ready to kill archer.

"Now i have him in my sight. Wait... what he's doing with that switch bla- He didn't finish the sentence as the switchblade hit him dead on in the skull. "Bleugh."

"Oh goddamn it! I missed that pigeon and lost my switchblade. Great now i have to cancel my credit cards as well." Archer grumbled unaware that he killed a assassin.

* * *

 _2) Lana, Pam and Cheryl._

"You guys don't have to follow me to my room you know." Pam said

"Trust me, we would love that, but Mallory wants to make sure you go straight to your room instead of eating cocaine." Lana said.

"Oh, hey guys i have a idea." Cherlyl said

"No." Both said, wanting to avoid crazy ranting.

"Why don't we cut through the Observatory." Cheryl said ignoring what they said "It's a short cut that takes us to the other side of the mansion and pretty close to Pam."

"Huh, that's actually sounds... reasonable." Pam said

"I know... and thats oddly disturbing." Lana said, but soon they enter the Observatory. "Btw i gotta ask you something, why don't you have any staff in the building. I mean... I get your messed up relative scared half of them but where the rest."

"You can thank Cecil for that. He added in there contract 60 thousand a month and 20 year vacation. Don't get me started that there contract expire in ten years."

"Wow." Lana said

"Yep, he is a terrible business man." Cheryl admitted.

"Tell me he at least smart enough to take business school classes after the sea-lab fiasco." Pam said. up above two assassin were cutting through the window of the observatory. both pulled out blades as they went into the hole and got ready to kill there targets.

"I have no idea. Though knowing his bitchy vegan girlfriend she probably force him." Cherlene stated

CRUNCH!

"What was that?" Lana asked

"What was what?" Pam asked

"I thought i heard a huge crunching like someone took a huge bite and ate something whole."

"Well that can't be, cause Pam right here." Cheryl said

"You know..." Pam said annoyed

"Ugh, nevermind let just go." Lana said with a roll of the eyes. Meanwhile that huge monstrous venus fly trap like plant was enjoying its new meal AKA those two assassins.

* * *

 _3) Krieger, Ray and Cyril_

"You know this place is alot nicer then my old apartment." Krieger said

"Every place is better then your old apartment, I felt as if I was about to be stabbed, or infected with a incurable disease or just plain killed" Cyril said annoyed. Both were playing crazy eight in Krieger room While Ray was watching tv."

"You don't have to be rude about it, i was just making an observation. Though i do admit not being worried about getting stabbed is a plus." Krieger admitted

"Jesus christ keep it down, i'm trying to watch my show! you bunch of idiots!" Ray snapped

"Hard day teaching Cheryl to sing?" Krieger asked

"It's be easier to tell Ms Archer she should take anger management classes." Ray said with a sigh. then grunted as he try to move his wheelchair in a better position. "Jesus, how much clutter do you have!"

"Alot, i had to grab alot of stuff from the office lab, then my apartment, and i'm still getting stuff out." Krieger said. "And had to put alot of stuff down."

"Such as..." Cyril hesitantly asked.

"You REALLY don't want to know." Ray said, a fourth assassin was watching this scene as he drilled in and was ready to gas them

"Really, so what is all this."

"Well theres the chokebot 2.0, my girlfriend, Krieger bot components, a couple, that formula i had of making a better but turned out to be a mold accelerator." both Ray and Cyril looked at Krieger "Oh relax, it the harmless variety. Oh and the experimental disintegrator Cyril using for a coaster."

"WHAT!?" Both Ray and Cyril saod

"Your telling me you left a a dangerous weapon and you let me use it as a coaster!" Cyril shouted.

"Oh relax i made it very water resistant."

"Who cares if it water resistant. you left a weapon near Cyril!" Ray shouted.

"Oh... yeah that was pretty stupid of my part." Krieger admitted

"What, why do you treat that as a bad part?" Cyril asked

"Cause you are notorious for being bad with weapon, and that it literally take at least two second before you grab a weapon and somehow set it off and hurt somebody." Ray said annoyed

"I'm not that bad." Cyril said. at this both Ray and Krieger began laughing. "I'm serious!"

"Sure you are..." Krieger sniggered.

"Screw you guys i can prove it by just lifting this." Cyril said using both hands to grab his beer first then the disintegrator. "See, i'm holding it and it hasn't-"

PSSSSSSH!" the beam shot forward hitting the ceiling creating both a hole and disintegrating the assassin and the canister of poison he brought.

"You were saying." Ray said annoyed as he grabbed Cyril hand and took the disintegrator."

"Damnit! i only had enough juice for one shot on that thing! Thanks alot Cyril." Krieger said annoyed

"Well... at least i didn't hurt anyone." Cyril stated

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ALL DEAD!" Barry shouted

"I mean there dead, all the other guys hired to take care of Archer and the others have failed miserably and are dead. I don't even know what they did with three of the bodies and the only one i found had a switchblade his brain!" The last assassin stated annoyed.

"... Did you at least succeed in your mission in killing Archer mother." Barry asked

"Errr... no."

"NO! That was my backup! i know it going to tear up that mamma boy archer when his mother dead!" Barry screamed

"Eh, i give it more of a half-sad, half joy and a little bit turn on that she dead." Katya said reading a magazine

"Other Barry asked for you to be quiet, and he also want to know what happen that made you screw up!" Barry snapped

"Okay i was going to get her, but she was in her apartment and i kinda saw her doing her husband."

"So what, your an assassin! i'm sure you had plenty of kills while someone was doing it!"

"Yeah but not when they continue when they see me, for some reason she was signaling me to join in. i got kinda creeped out and left." the assassin admitted

"So basically you got spooked cause Archer mother wanted you to have a threesome and instead of doing your job you ran to throw up." Barry said

"Err... yes."

Barry eye twitched as he grabbed the man neck and then snapped the last assassin neck.

"Tsk, Tsk. We lose more Assassin that way." Katya muttered as Barry went on a rampage. She press the intercom button "Boris send the cleaning crew in two hours. Barry having another of his tantrums."

 _The end (hope you enjoyed it. and thank you red witch for giving me a scene i could use, your the best!)_


End file.
